Atwood
On the weekend, Rachelle, Jones and I went to the Palmerston Mayfair.
It was your typical Annex event, and due to the inclement weather all of the attractions had been pushed inside the school. In the gym there were about five bouncy castles, and scattered throughout the rest of the buildings were face-painting stations, games, food and a book sale. It’s always so sweet being in a miniature place like that– children’s happy paintings stuck on the walls, little science experiments trying to grow on the window sill, tiny water fountains– all these things triggering simple, happy memories in those who pass by.
However, it was not all joy. As I was sorting through the books for sale I came across one of mine. A Van Full of Girls. I was astonished to find it because so few were sold, and almost all to friends, family and acquaintances. With mixed feelings I flipped through it, saw that I had actually signed if for Gemma, a dear friend, and decorated it with stickers, drawings and celebratory thoughts. As I was looking at this and thinking about what an asshole Gemma actually was, an icy voice spoke down to me.
“Oh, to come across your own book at a used book fair! How sad!”
It was, of course, Canadian literary legend Margaret Atwood, who lives in the same neighbourhood as we do and with whom I “enjoy” a “relationship.”
Me: Oh, it’s you. Kind of surprised you survived that winter.
Margaret: As Chekov said, “ ???? ?? ????????, ????????? ?? ??? ????? ??? ?????.”
Me: Never took you for a Star Trek fan. Thought you were way too pretentious for that.
Margaret: Of course you did, my poor thing.
Me: And do you have to wear a cape? Is it enshrined in the constitution or something, or are you just trying to distract people from your hair?
Margaret: Oh, look. I found another copy of your book.
Me: NO WAY!!
Margaret: It looks like Colin– to whom you had written a very wordy, messy and somewhat incoherent message on the title page– is no longer interested in having your book in his house.
Me: Colin is a dick.
Margaret: Of course he is, of course he is. And who do we have here?
Me: Jones, come here, stay away from the scary lady! She’s Vampiro!!
Jones: Do you know Bigfoot?
Margaret: I make hotdog and kale soup for him all the time! Oh, he’s a great chap!
Jones: I want hotdog soup with Bigfoot!!
Margaret: Well, one day I’ll have you and Bigfoot over and we will have some soup, okay?
Me: Jones, come here! Jones! Don’t be tricked by her! She’s a liar! She devours little boys!
Rachelle: Miss Atwood, I just want to say that it’s a real honour to meet you, and that we are all very, very grateful for the beautiful gifts you have given to the world.
Margaret: And so you are the long-suffering Rachelle? Oh my, how lovely you are! Such a refreshing contrast!
Me: I’m right here, you know.
Margaret: Yes, yes I do know.
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This all goes to show that to be “real” artist you need to be an arrogant and shameless self-promoter like Maggy. She did nail you pretty good though, as usual, which is always entertaining.
I must admit that Colin is a wormy kind of name. It’s a name that oozes pretension. A slimeball like that probably reads Margaret Atweood for the pictures, and could never appreciate real talent anyway.
On the bright side, I expect that in about 75 years your book, “A Van Full of Girls” is going to pop up on Antiques Road Show, and it’s going to be worth a lot of money. You probably won’t be around then, but you can take your satisfaction now that Gemma and Colin are total losers, and laugh about it.
I’m keeping my copy of “A Van Full of Girls” (with all the stickers and add-ons), since I know talent when I see it. There are several pathetic losers that have written famous books, and Mr. Murray is definitely amoung that elite group. If you haven’t got your own copy yet, I’d suggest you get one as soon as possible. Your children or grandchildren will thank you for it.
…… and to Mr. Murray. To be a successful “artiste” you need to take the hint from good ol’ maggy and become a shameless self-promoter. You can start by putting some links on your own site. Don’t forget the fake news testimonials from famous Hollywood stars. They always go over well.