An Incident

There was an incident.

Not a serious incident, but an incident nonetheless.

My wife Rachelle bought a phone that had been advertised on a community message board she belongs to, and it turned out the phone did not work. All sorts of texts flew back and forth between us and the woman who sold us the phone, but to no avail. The woman would not take the phone back or reimburse us the money we spent on getting the phone fixed.

Here is the ending of the text thread between the three of us:

ME: Don’t you think you at least owe us some of the money we spent to repair your broken phone?

Shifty cat walker who sold us a shitty phone and is likely very insane: I AM WITH A CLIENT NOW AND CANNOT TALK!!!!!

Me: You’re a cat walker. Are you actually telling me you cannot deal with this matter because a cat is on your lap?

Rachelle: Look, I am sorry to pester you, but the phone you sold us does not work. We had to get it repaired and it cost us $75 extra. I don’t for a second think you were trying to deceive us, but it’s only fair that at the very least we share that cost.

Shifty cat walker who sold us a shitty phone and is likely very insane: ALL SALES ARE FINAL!!

Me: But you deceived us. The phone did not work. We told you that. You said we must have done something to break it. Is this how you treat your clients? Do you deceive the cats and then try to gaslight them?

Rachelle: If I was a cat I would scratch you.

Me: The cats will rise up against you. They will fuck you up. Make no mistake.

Shifty cat walker who sold us a shitty phone and is likely very insane: IS THAT A THREAT???!!!!

Me: It is a prediction. I know cats.

Rachelle: It’s true. He’s watched the broadway production of Cats 27 times.

Me: Passionate about it. Dressed up as a creepy cat every halloween for—wait for it– 27 years in a row!

Rachelle: Body suit and everything. VERY creepy.

Me: Would send you a photo but the camera on the phone I just bought doesn’t work!

Shifty cat walker who sold us a shitty phone and is likely very insane: IF THIS CONTINUES I WILL BE GETTING A LAWYER INVOLVED FOR DEFAMATION OF CHARACTER!!!

Rachelle: Oh my, that is funny! I would like to see that.

Me: Please, please, please get the law involved!!!

Shifty cat walker who sold us a shitty phone and is likely very insane: YOU TWO ARE FASCISTS AND I WILL NEVER DO BUSINESS WITH YOU AGAIN!!

“THE HOLY CROSS BE MY LIGHT
LET NOT THE DRAGON BE MY GUIDE
STEP BACK, SATAN!
NEVER TEMPT ME WITH YOUR VANITIES
WHAT YOU OFFER ME IS EVIL
DRINK YOUR OWN POISON!”

Me: Did not take her for the religious type.

Rachelle: Me neither.