Being Trapped in an Outhouse

My wife Rachelle and I were at a friend’s cottage a few weeks ago. At one point during lunch I had to excuse myself from the group and head off to an outhouse that was about 25 yards from the main cabin.

What follows are the text messages that I sent to Rachelle.

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Me: Is Angus still gaying it up in there?

Me: Can’t believe he was married.

Me: Really, who did he think he was fooling?

Me: I could tell from the first time we went bowling that he was gay. Way too much follow through.

Me: Rachelle?

Me: Rachelle?

Me: Remember what our therapist said about you ignoring me?

Me: I feel invalidated.

Me: That’s why I drink so much. You invalidate me.

Me: Rachelle?

Me: Door to outhouse seems to be locked.

Me: Door is locked.

Me: I AM TRAPPED IN THE OUTHOUSE!!!

Me: HELP!!

Me: I THINK THERE IS AN EVIL GHOST ON THE ISLAND!!

Me: IT LOCKS PEOPLE IN OUTHOUSES AND WATCHES AS THEY GO INSANE AND DIE OF HEART ATTACKS!!

ME: IT’S PROBABY AN INDIAN GHOST MAD ABOUT US STEALING LAND!!

Me: I HATE EVIL GHOSTS!!!

Me: Must calm down and breathe deeply.

Me: Sweet Jesus!

Me: Breathing deeply was a very bad idea.

Me: Now very dizzy. Could vomit.

Me: Must be 1000 degrees in this coffin.

Me: Fuck global warming.

Me: I’m going to bang on the door and yell.

Me: Listen for me!

Me: Dizzy again, now with splinters.

Me: Pretty sure I’m going to die here.

Me: In my poo coffin.

Me: Amazing how strong outhouse is and how weak I am.

Me: Feel like a girl.

Me: Going to die feeling like a girl.

Me: Going to die never having seen a UFO or discovered my spirit guide.

Me: Never got to go to Japan.

Me: So sorry I never got to take you to kinky Japan.

Me: I love you Rachelle.

Me: I loved you with everything I had.

Me: Never really cheated on you.

Me: I want you to go on and live a beautiful life without me– like that speech in Titanic.

Me: I’m Jack and you’re Rose.

Me: Watch that and think of me swimming around in the water.

Me: But DO NOT hook-up with Armand.

Me: Yeah, don’t think I don’t notice the way you light up around him.

Me: Armand. Stupid name.

Me: Like a perfume.

Me: How could you like him???

Me: Would haunt the hell out of you if you hooked-up with him.

Me: HE IS A DICK.

Me: Getting darker in here.

Me: Oxygen must be getting low.

Me: Don’t know how much longer can last.

Me: Would like Sigur Ros played at my funeral and that scene from Armageddon when Bruce Willis is saying good-bye from space projected as backdrop.

Me: My love, you were always the best part of me.

Me: I will be with you always.

Me: You were my everything.

Me: Waiting now for the chariot to swing low.

Me: When the light comes for me I will go to it.

Me: I am ready.

Me: NO!!!

Me: I will fight for you!

Me: I’m not going to give up!!

Me: Splinters be damned!!

Me: Oh.

Me: Just spotted little clasp under handle.

Me: WOW!!

Me: The clasp releases the external lock!!

Me: The world is an explosion of sunlight!

Me: Electrolytes dangerously low, but will stagger to cottage.

Me: Realize how precious life is now.

Me: Hate abortion!

Me: Just stubbed toe on rock!

Me: Hate abortion, rocks and global warming!

Me: I’m coming for you, my love, I’m coming.

Me: If you get this, please save croissant for me, feeling peaked.