GAP

As my blog is very widely read and has a great influence, both politically and culturally, I sometimes find myself the subject of attack. It’s okay. I’m a big boy, I can take it, and I know that the great power I wield often inspires bitterness and jealousy in lesser agencies. And so I was not in the least surprised to be contacted by the Guardians of Peace, the hacker collective that recently brought Sony to its knees.

This is the email that I received from them:

“You feel the terror Murray? It come for you.

Your blog is no good. It is the worst and a great offense to all. You must stop your mediocre immediately or we will rain fire hell down upon you, making all your secret public. You like for that? We think not. If you post one more stupid thought piece on something you know-nothing, or write long, bad joke sketch, we drop bomb on your world! “

I am not the type to be cowed by terrorists, so the very next day I posted a dating advice column for prisoners as written by Charles Manson. It was fucking hilarious. If we don’t have humour, we have nothing. The terrorists will not take humour away!!

The response from the Guardians of Peace was swift and unequivocal. They changed the passwords of my fantasy hockey teams, thus locking me out and putting me at a VERY serious competitive disadvantage within my leagues.

I admit, that really hurt, but the next day I posted this photograph and caption, just to show them that I wasn’t cowed by their schoolyard bullying and that if it was a fight they wanted, well, it was a fight they were going to get.

Yippee ki yay mother fucker.

Their response:

“You real cracker jack. You dirty apple pie. Have you checked ugly blog today?”

This was the blog:

This is Michael Murray Stupid Blog:

Password folder: all passwords = IamExcellent#1

Banking:            $59.80

Credit:                $13.46

Investments:   $828.03            USD $0.00

Total:        CDN$901.29            USD $0.00

Excerpts from email:

From Michael Murray to Brodie Bigold: “ Really, your last name is French?!? I fucking hate the French!”

From Michael Murray to Phillippe Zeller, Ambassador to France: “We used to have a cheap ass chain department store in Canada called Zeller’s. You know what happened to them? They went out of business. You know what will happen to France? Out of fucking business.”

From Michael Murray to Jessica Simpson: “Why weren’t you included in the great celebrity nude sex photo thefts? You should have been. I mean, I wouldn’t have looked because I respect your privacy and wouldn’t want to violate you unless you were willing to be violated and stuff, but I’m just saying, you really should have been included. The Fappening just wasn’t what it should have been without you.”

Brilliant Idea Box

–Come up with game like Cards Against Humanity, make millions, see Jessica Simpson perform live.

–Make app that can tell when waitress is flirting with you

–Write think piece on what it’s like to be black in America

–Buy book on magic and then apply new knowledge to everyday life

Netflix queue:

1. The Hillz
2. Private Valentine: Blonde & Dangerous

3.Down Periscope

4.Wild Hogs

5. A Night at the Roxbury

6. Failure to Launch

7. Season Three of Dawson’s Creek

8. Season Four of Dawson’s Creek

9. Demolition Man

10. Spice World

Potential Tweets

I wouldn’t wait in line for anything! ( add example)

Don’t you hate poseurs! ( make more subtle)

Writing. #GoingWell