Letter to Zack Galifankis
It has always been the dream of my friend Shelagh Corbett to marry a celebrity. “I just see myself with one,” she used to say by means of explanation. Sadly, over the years, after many rejections (Alec Baldwin, Will Smith, Tom Cruise, Nick Nolte, Wanda Sykes, Jose Canseco, Forrest Whitaker, Sylvester Stallone and Brett Favre, to name a few), and a few legal impositions, Shelagh has stopped chasing her dream. It hurts me to see her so sad, with little to do but crochet the likenesses of her loves onto throw cushions which now litter her cat-ruled home, and so I have started to write letters of introduction for her, to a more romantically realistic assembly of celebrities.
Dear Zach Galifiankis:
As you have the sort of looks that might grow on a person, and have a “style of comedy” that some might find distracting, you probably have a date for Halloween. However, I suppose it’s possible that the poorly healed emotional scars you acquired growing up as an outsider have precluded any sort of intimate relationship.
If this is the case, I think I know of somebody who might be willing to take a chance on you. She’s very patient, has worked with the homeless, and is quite frankly, out of your league looks wise. She also had a pony when she was growing up and can play Hey Joe on the ukulele. Intrigued?
Zach, if you’re courageous enough to just give love a chance, I can introduce you to this amazing woman and change your life.
For the better.
Yours,
Michael Murray
PS: This is a drawing that Shelagh did of you, one that I now believe is tattooed to her body at the juncture where her back meets her tailbone.
Michael:
I have asked my Personal Assistant to write to tell you that you spelled my name wrong.
It is Zack, not Zach.
All you need to do is check Wikipedia to get this sort of thing straight.
Stop being lazy.
I have to say, your friend Shelagh looks like she might be a cult member.
Why does she have a flower behind her ear and what is she staring at? Her Dear Leader?
Do you think I might be interested in a cult member?
Is that what you’re trying to say?
Zack Galifiankis
PS: If I was forced to come up with a nickname for you Michael Murray, it would be “Insufficient Postage.”
