The Toronto International Film Festival–Natalie Portman
Yesterday, I was all excited to go to a press conference for the film Love and Other Impossible Pursuits. This had nothing to do with the movie, which may or may not be a work of genius, and everything to do with the fact that Natalie Portman was to be present answering questions.
I should tell you that ever since Rachelle (my lady) started writing fan letters to Clive Owen, after seeing the movie Closer, that I have retaliated by writing fan letters to Natalie Portman.
I think that I’ve written 16.
16 classy letters.
And about 10 postcards.
At any rate, even though Natalie hasn’t Skyped me as I pled, I have no doubt that we’ve established a bond, and I was looking forward to getting to meet her and ask her some questions.
I had prepared five.
1. You worked with Clive Owen, is it true that he smells like a basement?
2. What do you admire most about my writing?
3. Why do you think that Clive Owen holds racist opinions?
4. Have you seen Clive Owens Nickelback tribute band perform, and if so, did you throw up on the spot?
5. Would it be okay if I smelled your hair?
The press conference was scheduled for 3:00 PM, and although I’ve been to a few of these things, I was really nervous for this one. I mean, Natalie Portman! I wore my hipster gingham shirt with my retro narrow tie and applied some Hermes cologne to my pressure points, leaving Rachelle a note that said, “ Off with Nat, don’t know when I’ll be back.”
Sadly, as I am disorganized, I got the day wrong, missed the press conference, and ended up sitting in the lobby of the hotel with about two dozen senior citizens who were on a bus tour of Canada to see the fall colours.
I pretended that I was an important actor, but they didn’t believe me.
Beatrice, the fat one who probably bought her grandkids clothes for Christmas, snorted, “Yeah, right, if you’re an actor, then I’m Myrna Loy!”
