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2009 September | Welcome To The Magical Friendship Squad!
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Jermaine Clement

As I am on top of all the latest trends, I just came across a series of ads featuring Jemaine Clement– one of the stars of Flight of the Conchords–that debuted during the Super Bowl in 2006. They’re for the Outback Steak House, and they’re good-natured and entirely disarming.

Clement, who is all bee-stung lips and self-effacing mannerisms, sits in a roadhouse restaurant that doesn’t really look all that, well, nice. With a plate of functional looking food in front of him, and speaking in a fake Australian accent, he slides into a slightly surreal digression that charmingly, always ends up off topic.

www.youtube.com/watch

As always, Clement perfectly captures the Beta-Male character. In spite of his obvious good looks and accidental charm, he’s a passive observer in his own life, steamrolled by the more aggressive forces around him. A New Zealander, his cultural relationship to Australia, where the Outback Steak House originates, is similar to Canada’s relationship to the United States. In this, Clement, and the creators of the ad, manage to walk a fine line. What I get when watching it, and Flight of the Conchords in general, is the perfect marriage of a sensibility that’s simultaneously perplexed by the culture around him, and envious of it, very much wanting to join in, but still remain himself, and I guess, in the end, that’s what we all want.

Or something like that.

As assault at the corner of Bloor and Spadina

On Sunday afternoon, I sat with the dog in a park at the corner of Spadina and Bloor. I was waiting for some food to be prepared in a restaurant across the street and was just idly watching the city. It’s probably one of the busiest corners in Toronto, and there was an awful lot to look at.

A college kid who might have been drunk, tried to walk on his hands.

A tall woman wore an ugly hat.

A cyclist yelled at a car.

Two nuns stopped to get a hot dog.

A large, meaty man with a ponytail stood in the middle of the street. Thinking that he was getting out of car, I allowed my eye to pass over him. When my gaze returned, I could see that both his arms were in the driver’s side window. For some reason, I thought that his arms must have been caught, but then I noticed him repeatedly punching down onto the driver.

I didn’t know what to do.

A car with two men in it noticed this happening and yelled “HEY!” The guy in the middle of the street turned to them and yelled, with one fist cocked, “ MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!!” and even though those these two guys did not look like the types to mind their own business, they did, and they drove away. The man delivered one or two more blows, and then stalked off to the sidewalk where a thin and greasy looking man stood grinning. The man who had been assaulted, sped his car off through the intersection, while the assailant and his buddy, disappeared around a corner.

The entire incident, from the mysterious assault to the disappearance of all the participants, probably took about 30 seconds. I expected there to be some sort of response–pedestrians with cell phones shouting, people running out of restaurants, the car pulled over, people hustling to attend to the driver, but there was nothing. There was no residue that something horrible, something potentially tragic had just happened. All the people who had seen it had moved on, instantly replaced by a brand new flow of urban traffic.

It was an utterly startling event, and I sat there shocked and ashamed, desperate for some sort of closure, but none was offered.

The Omen

Unfortunately, The Omen was on TV late last night.

Rachelle, you should know, has been away this weekend. Every month she has a weekend out of town with Stefano, her Brazilian kickboxing instructor, for some special training, and when this happens I’m left to fend for myself. Normally it’s not a problem as Rachelle blocks out all the TV stations that might broadcast scary movies, but she was in a giddy rush this time, and forgot to do that, so last night, at one in the morning, I started to watch The Omen.

Now, I have to preface this by saying that I’ve been sick with a crippling sinus cold, and have been on all sorts of medications that have made me, well, vulnerable.

Right about the time that the father, searching for the mark of the beast on his evil son’s head, clips the boy’s hair, I noticed the dog staring at me. It was not a nice look. It was an evil, superior look. Tranquil and unsettling. I started to yell at her, but she just kept staring at me.

Staring at me.

Staring at me.

I began to drink, as I find being drunk very comforting.

At any rate, the rest is kind of blurry, but I became convinced that Heidi, our miniature Daschund, was the Anti-Christ, and in an effort to find the mark of the beast, shaved her fur off. Thankfully, there was no sign of the devil, or at least none that I could see this morning.

I am not sure what to tell Rachelle about our dog’s missing fur, but I think I’m going with “ she had an allergic reaction after eating half a package of Sinutab.”

Driving through University of Toronto

A cool, sunny day at the end of September.

Through the University of Toronto Campus, the cab drives slowly up St. George. The driver is happy, his window open, he’s looking at all the pretty girls walking by. I Wanna Dance With Somebody, by Whitney Houston comes on the radio and he turns it up a little bit. Softly, in an East European accent, he begins to sing:

“Oh! I wanna dance with somebody.
I wanna feel the heat with somebody.
Yeah! I wanna dance with somebody.
With somebody who loves me.”

He can see me smiling in his rear view mirror, and he turns the music up a little bit more.

At a red light, he turns the music up yet a little more, and sticking his head out the open window, he sings, strongly now:

“Don’t you wanna dance? With me baby!
Say you wanna dance!
Don’t you wanna dance? With me baby!”

He’s not really singing at anybody in particular, but as he’s yelling this out a girl is crossing the street. She stops for a second, does a quick go-go move, and then hurries across the street to her friends, now doubled over in laughter, waiting for her on the curb.

The cab driver howled, honked his horn twice and then drove off.

Neti Pot

I recently bought something called a Neti Pot, which I was told would banish all sinus misery from my life. Essentially, it’s a little plastic teapot that looks like a child’s toy. You fill it with some warm water, salt and baking soda, and then tilt your head, stick the spout in your nostril, and pour the water, which then magically drools out your other nostril carrying with it all manner of sinus sludge.

It’s not gross, humiliating or embarrassing at all.

I don’t know if it actually works or not, but at least, when you’re in the throes of sinus misery, as both Rachelle and I are right now, it does some psychological good. At least I’m doing something, and the slimy mess that it always produces is an excellent excuse to have a hot shower, which has to be good for a sinus cold, too, right?

At any rate, I’ve recently started to administer a Neti Pot to myself around midnight, right about the time the wracking coughing fits come on. Honestly, choking on a bunch of water that’s oozing out of my mouth and nose is just about the last thing I feel like doing at times like this, and so recently, when I say I’m having a Neti Pot, all I do is fill the thing up with about eight ounces of whiskey, and then slowly sip it while watching TV. This does wonders to relax my aching stomach muscles (from all the coughing), and always sends me straight to sleep.

However, whenever I’m drunk, I usually end up writing a fan letter to a celebrity, and when I got up this morning I found this letter in my Out Box.

Sexy Lady Jennifer Aniston!!

Did you know that I went to high school with Matthew Perry?

It’s true.

You remember him, right?

Chandler on Friends?

You were a MASSIVE star back then!! I mean, everybody wanted to be Ross. You remember when you kissed him in the rain, with One by U2 playing? Jesus. That was hot!

Anyway, that was a long time ago now. I bet you miss those days, because although you’re still famous today, it’s mostly just for being single and childless. It’s not like you’re a movie star or on TV or anything. That must get depressing sometimes. But cheer up, Jennifer! You’re still prettyish and you don’t have a sinus cold!!

By the way, how do stars irrigate their sinuses?

You’re Greek, right?

I wonder if the Ancient Greeks cured Sinusitis? It wouldn’t surprise me, as they were pretty on top of things.

You should know that the Greeks are my favourite ancient civilization, even though they didn’t build any pyramids.

These are my favourite ancient civilizations. ( In order)

1. Greeks
2. Egyptians
3. Druids who built Stonehenge
4. Cavemen
5. Romans

What’s your list of favourite ancient civilizations?

Michael Murray

Lost Cat Poster

As I was taking the dog for a walk earlier in the day, I came across a poster taped to a mailbox.

A DIFFERENT KIND OF MISSING CAT POSTER

Did you find a black male cat in this neighbourhood back in the fall of 2002?!

Yes, I know this sounds weird, WHY am I looking now? Well, when my beloved Brando first went missing from my house on Huron St. ( he was an indoor cat and managed to escape the balcony), I did a total search for him at the time with no luck. Just recently however, I came across a record of his ear tattoo number that I didn’t think I had! It has haunted me for years not knowing what happened to my Brando and with this new information, I had to give it one more shot.

If by any chance he is still alive, I don’t want to take him away from his “now home”…it would just ease my heart so much to know he had found another home (even if he is no longer around now) and something terrible hadn’t happened to him after he went missing from me.

DISTINGUISHING MARKINGS/ TRAITS

-Male black cat, neutered and declawed (I was young and stupid about how awful declawing was). He would be 12 years old now.

-Left Ear Tattoo—number: HBE 028

-Weird tail—it arched up over his back

-Little tuft of white on front of neck

-He could get pretty vicious when he felt at all threatened and often hissed when it came to strangers ( but I still loved him!!)

IF ANY OF THIS RINGS A BELL FOR YOU, I WOULD BE FOREVER GRATEFUL TO HEAR FROM YOU.

416. XXX. XXXX

I imagine her now a few years out of university. Watching all the college kids washing through the neighbourhood, she might regret the person she was back in school, back when she was just trying to figure it all out. Thinking of all the moments lost and the people she misses now, she hopes for happy endings, and wonders whatever became of her old cat, her faithful companion through those years.

The Toronto International Film Festival–Last moment

On Saturday, the last day of the Film Festival, I was walking the dog past the Park Hyatt Hotel when I spotted two young girls standing outside of the place. They couldn’t have been more than ten years old, and each one had a big camera hanging around her neck and a pad of paper and a pen in hand, ready for autographs. There was nobody else hanging around, just the two little girls, and they had positioned themselves, or been shooed away by the bellhop, so that they were out on the periphery, standing by a pillar near the street. This, of course, rendered them heartbreaking and beautiful, like a couple of hopeful kittens in the rain.

I went over and asked them how the autograph hunting had been going. They just shrugged, giving me a look that suggested I was a crazy stranger and that I should just leave them alone. For some reason, this startled, even offended me, and I pushed on. The dominant girl of the two, the shorter one, told me in a flat, economical voice that they had seen “Matt Damon, George Clooney, Nicolas Cage and Keanu Reeves.” She said this like it was no big deal.

I, however, was terribly impressed, and trying to be winning, like a cool uncle, asked them of the group, which star was the most handsome. The dominant girl screwed up her face and looked away, scowling, “ I don’t know!” I looked over at the other girl who was smiling nervously, “what about you, who did you think was the best looking?” Her eyes went blank, like she had just been asked a very difficult math question, and then blurted out, “ I don’t know, Nicolas Cage?”

It was at this point that I realized I was a creep, just some freaky stranger asking them questions about which star—who must have all seemed just as ancient as a great-grandparent to them—was cute.

Out of touch and gross.

This little epiphany, in the fading light of one of the last days of summer, was the sort of thing that might just depress a man.

Jesus in the City

It happens at least a couple of times a month that I unwittingly stumble into some sort of demonstration or parade unfolding on Bloor Street. Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, an ocean of people—all passionately committed to something—will wash over me before turning the corner and being swallowed up by another portion of the city.

This is one of the things that I love about the place.

On Saturday, as I waited for Rachelle in front of Winners, a big, flatbed truck with a Jesus in the City banner on it, turned off of Avenue and onto Bloor. There were about a dozen black people on the truck, each one performing gospel, and behind them marched hundreds of people and yet more trucks. They were all jamming on Jesus is my Rock, which they’d probably been improvising on for an hour, and it was absolutely incredible. It was joyous and authentic, and immediately, immediately you started to move, wanting desperately to join in and become a part of their congregation.

As far as expressions of religiosity goes, it was the complete opposite of the somber, disapproving brand of Anglican culture that I inhabited growing up. As I was watching the celebration, I imagined a loving and forgiving God, an entity that in spite of all your blunders and weaknesses still embraced you instead of my omnipotent deity who was always watching, waiting for you to slip-up and then send you to Hell for eternity. For me, church had been a rigid and joyless experience. You behaved properly and you followed rules, repressing much of whom you might become in order to, well, conform to the dogma that was being set out before you.

But no matter, it was a sunny day, and the next ethnic wave coming down the street were comprised of Asians. Hopelessly square, they played electric guitar and beat on tambourines in the black and white polyester combos of Sunday school teachers. One truck had the words SALT AND LIGHT written on it, with a Bas-Relief of the skyline of Toronto beneath it, upon which a saltshaker, I guess, was shaking salt and light upon the city. About six young girls, dressed in white t-shirts and grey sweatpants, were performing kittenish choreographed dance routines, while a a handsome guy who dreamed of boy band glory, belted it out. The drummer, a heavy girl beneath yet heavier frames, stared straight ahead beneath her mop of her hair, while all around her pamphlets were being tossed to the crowd.

The last ethnic group to celebrate their Christianity in this parade were the whites–my people. Predictably, they did not play any instruments, but instead had a tape deck playing the sort of middle of the road stuff that reminds you of retirement homes. Instead of singing or dancing, they waved happily from their trucks, while behind them marched their army, which included several dogs wearing t-shirts for Christ.

It was all incredibly sweet and touching, the perfect counterpoint to the slick machinery of the Film Festival, which was just then, leaving town.

The Toronto International Film Festival–Jack White

Whenever I go to a press conference at the Toronto International Film Festival, I get excited. I’m going to see a star! I might ask one of them a question! There could be eye contact!!!

However, I have to say that this point of view is pretty rare. Everybody else there looks like they’re killing time in the waiting room at the dentist. In short, they look like they’re at work.

The cameramen who line the back of the room, appear to be thinking about hockey pools and chicken wings, and the rest of the press, all nattily attired and typing away on their phones, are making party plans for later in the night. Didn’t they know that Jack White was going to be in the room? Jack White! One of the three coolest people on the planet! (The other two in this group are Nick Cave and Tom Waits)

There was a murmur of interest rippling through the room when a very attractive woman walked it. Beautiful, but in a modest way, it was clear that she was “somebody.” On her arm was a pinched, 50 year-old woman, who spoke animatedly, trying to draw as much attention as possible to her connection to the beauty, ( who turned out to be Jack White’s wife, the model Karen Elson—who smiled at me. Big time.) However, once she sat down, the press returned to their indifferent posture, waiting for White to appear.

In a thin, almost raspy voice, Jack White spoke of his upcoming concert film The White Stripes Under Great White Northern Lights. With the pale, anemic face of a vampire, he smiled out at the assembled press like a mischievous, little boy. There was something entirely innocent about him, like it was Johnny Depp portraying Jack White rather than Jack White himself. Dressed all in black, he spoke thoughtfully and intelligently, with an appealing dose of natural humility. He was immediately likeable, an entirely genuine presence.

What I liked most about him was evident attentiveness to the world around him. He was a participant, and not some elite who had chosen to hover above it. He spoke with tenderness and sincerity about Meg White, his painfully shy band mate, and all the people he’d met on their cross Canada tour, and you could just see that he cared about things. He spoke of the myriad projects he was involved in—one being an album with a bunch of bus drivers in Tennessee—and it was evident that his creative energy was staggering. This was a man who wanted to do things, who needed to say yes and see what happens, realizing that inspiration and beauty spring from all sources.

Listening to him I was reminded of Dave Eggers, another artist for whom I have tremendous admiration. I am providing the link to an interview Eggers did with the Harvard Advocate, in which he talks of his philosophy of engagement with the world, of growing up, essentially, and I highly recommend it.

http://www.armchairnews.com/freelance/eggers.html

The Toronto International Film Festival–Natalie Portman

Yesterday, I was all excited to go to a press conference for the film Love and Other Impossible Pursuits. This had nothing to do with the movie, which may or may not be a work of genius, and everything to do with the fact that Natalie Portman was to be present answering questions.

I should tell you that ever since Rachelle (my lady) started writing fan letters to Clive Owen, after seeing the movie Closer, that I have retaliated by writing fan letters to Natalie Portman.

I think that I’ve written 16.

16 classy letters.

And about 10 postcards.

At any rate, even though Natalie hasn’t Skyped me as I pled, I have no doubt that we’ve established a bond, and I was looking forward to getting to meet her and ask her some questions.

I had prepared five.

1. You worked with Clive Owen, is it true that he smells like a basement?
2. What do you admire most about my writing?
3. Why do you think that Clive Owen holds racist opinions?
4. Have you seen Clive Owens Nickelback tribute band perform, and if so, did you throw up on the spot?
5. Would it be okay if I smelled your hair?

The press conference was scheduled for 3:00 PM, and although I’ve been to a few of these things, I was really nervous for this one. I mean, Natalie Portman! I wore my hipster gingham shirt with my retro narrow tie and applied some Hermes cologne to my pressure points, leaving Rachelle a note that said, “ Off with Nat, don’t know when I’ll be back.”

Sadly, as I am disorganized, I got the day wrong, missed the press conference, and ended up sitting in the lobby of the hotel with about two dozen senior citizens who were on a bus tour of Canada to see the fall colours.

I pretended that I was an important actor, but they didn’t believe me.

Beatrice, the fat one who probably bought her grandkids clothes for Christmas, snorted, “Yeah, right, if you’re an actor, then I’m Myrna Loy!”