Michael Douglas HPV link to cancer–list of comparably disturbing things.

One of the more upsetting things to have happened in the last week was news that 68 year-old actor Michael Douglas attributes the type of throat cancer he had to the HPV virus, or more specifically, to cunnilingus.

I did not want that image in my head.

It’s a haunting, is what it is, and I think I would rather be plagued by the image of a baby being pulled from a sewage pipe in China or of doomed storm chasers trying to drive through an apocalyptic tornado in Oklahoma. I just don’t want to have to think about Michael Douglas doing that, okay?

With that in mind, and in an effort to cleanse my mind of the image by actually exploding it, I have created a list of some other things that should never be associated together.

Rob Ford: Cunnilingus

Jack Nicholson: Cunnilingus

Toenail: Kickstand

Groupon: Dentistry

Donald Trump: Showering and/or Cologne Application

Joan Rivers: Blowjob

Michael Douglas: Blowjob

Ann Coulter: Sex tape

Rob Ford: Your washroom

Compound fracture: A Parent

Cosplay: Olympic Event

Segway Tour: Wine Country