My Mood Journal

I’ve recently been seeing a therapist to help me deal with anxieties about my health that have been clouding around me since my heart attack. The therapist is a Cognitive Behaviourist,  and she has me working from a book called Mind Over Mood, from which she’s asked me to fill out a section recounting the times when my mood took a turn for the worse. These are my most recent entries:

THE SITUATION

I was really looking forward to having sushi for lunch. I walked all the way to Sushi on Bloor and then back home, and when I put MY LUNCH down on the coffee table and went ( FOR JUST ONE MINUTE) to get some water, the dog ate every last bit of sushi that there was.

YOUR MOODS (rate each mood 0-100%)

Enraged 180%

Depressed 90%

Humiliated 60%

THOUGHTS (highlight the HOT thought)

I will regret killing the dog.

Rachelle will be inconsolable if I kill the dog.

HOT THOUGHT—SHOULD I STILL KILL THE DOG?

Can you go to jail for killing a dog?

Will I have a heart attack if I attack the dog?

Why does the dog hate me?

What does it feel like to be an Alpha?

Why is the world against me?

THE SITUATION

Rachelle and I were watching Game of Thrones and Ygritte, Jon Snow’s love, died.

YOUR MOODS

Depressed 200%

Frustrated 200%

Angry 200%

Hurt 200%

Insecure 30%

THOUGHTS

WHY THE FUCK DOES GAME OF THRONES KEEP KILLING OFF ALL THE PEOPLE I LIKE?? JESUS! THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE THE SHOW ARE MONSTERS!! THE LOVE STORY BETWEEN YGRITTE AND JON WAS COMPLEX AND TRUE AND ONE OF THE FEW GLIMPSES OF LIGHT IN THE DEATH AND SORROW FEST THAT IS GAME OF THRONES AND THEN THEY GO AND KILL HER! IT WAS MEAN, JUST FUCKING CRUEL! CAN THERE BE NO BEAUTY IN THIS WORLD???!!! (THIS IS ALL A HOT THOUGHT) I TOOK AN ATIVAN HOPING TO RELAX, BUT IT DID NOT KICK IN FOR AN HOUR AT WHICH POINT THE EPISODE WAS ALREADY OVER. THE DARK MOOD STAYED WITH ME FOR DAYS.

THE SITUATION

Jose Fernandez, star pitcher of the Florida Marlins and of my fantasy baseball team A Fury of Pigeons, had season ending surgery thus scuttling my chances of winning the league this year.

YOUR MOODS

Depression (100%)

Anger (100%)

Jealousy (80%)

Bitterness (200%)

THOUGHTS

This cannot be happening.

Somebody is playing a big trick on me.

It’s a massive conspiracy.

There is a massive conspiracy afoot to make me have a heart attack.

HOT THOUGHT–I LOVE JOSE FERNANDEZ SO MUCH.

I love Jose Fernandez more than I loved Ygritte.