Email exchange with Toronto Mayor Rob Ford

As many of you know, embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford and I were enrolled at Carleton University in Ottawa at the same time. We never attended a class together, but we became last-call drinking companions, and over the years whenever one of us has found ourselves drinking alone or missing the old days while drunk, we’d contact one another. This has given me unusual access and sometimes influence over the Mayor, which from time to time I’ve been lucky enough to exercise.

This is a recent email that I sent to him:

Slobber!

How’s it hanging, Mister Touchdown?

Things are pretty great in our world, one reason being that Rachelle just introduced me to a new App on my iPhone called Draw Free. It’s way cool, like Pictionary for your phone. You play with a friend, and each one of you gets a word you have to draw out using your finger on the screen of your phone, and the other one has to guess what it is. Here’s my drawing of Bruce Lee, pretty awesome, eh?

We should play sometime. It would be an awesome drinking game and I’d fucking love to play a kind of adult version (NO HOMO) with you!

Anyway, the real reason I’m writing is that an acquaintance of mine was in a library the other day and he wrote this about the experience:

“Hoards of youth in the library today. Dozens & dozens. We’ve got to do something about young people in the library. Will lead to trouble.”

Just thought the Mayor should know.

Keep well, Slobber, keep well!

Michael Murray

Mur:

I am completely fucking in with the Draw Stuff game.

Art was one of my favourite classes back in  school, and my teachers thought I had talent. I used to paint kick ass Star Wars scenes. I did one watercolour of Luke and Princess Leia that was so out of the box they made me see the school psychologist. Miss Hancock. Jesus, she was hot. Boner City, man, Boner City.

I’m glad you brought this library shit to my attention. The last thing we need are libraries jammed full of teens. That would be a shit show. I’m tough on crime, and I’m not going to help create an environment that would make things easier for crazy shooters. Libraries should only have a couple of nerds in them at a time, while the rest of our kids are at football practice, learning how to drive or at home on the Net. We need to shut down the library gravy train.

I’m going to launch a campaign called Library No More. It’s going to be fucking awesome. We’re going to have pro athletes on board and look into the idea of mobile libraries, kind of like the ice cream truck, only with books. We can shut down libraries all over the city, and then service those areas with the library truck once a week.

Dude, can you come down to City Hall so we can talk more about this? And let’s play that Draw thing! Why don’t they have that in bars, anyway, like Karaoke for drawers? Drawaoke, they could call it. Fuck, my brain is on fire with ideas! It’s a Rob Roll!! A Ford Fire!! Gotta cancel all my meetings and stoke the flames!!

Slobber