Commencement address

I don’t engage in public speaking very often, 

but I recently made an exception when Manor Park Public School asked me to address their students.

I was a pupil there back in the 70’s, dominating the classroom and playground from grade two to six, and I guess it’s fair to say I was a bit of a legend. The current principle, after hearing of my brilliant, game-changing, hugely successful book A VAN FULL OF GIRLS,

wanted to know if I, “a real writer,” would give the commencement speech to her graduating grade six students.

This is the text to my speech:

“Graduating class of 2016, I’m not going to lie to you.

Grade seven is a shit show.

The truth is that you’re really, really going to hate it. So much so that you’re going to wake up each day terrified, jittery and spastic. Bad things will happen every day. Algebra, for instance. Algebra will strike you like a goddamn wasting disease. Girls will become powerful beyond your wildest comprehension. You won’t know what hit you. And without any warning, and for no reason whatsoever, the kids you thought were your friends will turn on you. Look to your right. That kid there? That kid will one day spit on you. To your left now, please. That kid? That kid will tell the person you want to ask to the dance that you have B.O. from your butt. And you won’t have any idea why. You will look and feel ugly. Your parents, before they divorce, will probably take you to a psychiatrist and then you’ll have to take pills that make you a really sad kind of sleepy.

Welcome to the real world, class of 2016

But it’s not all doom and gloom and climate change and dying pets and pimples the size of coins, no, there is some relief to be found. You can read, for instance, taking refuge in make-believe worlds where nobody is going to beat you up each day because they heard your mother speaking french, or something. 

I work as an author, which means I spend all my time constructing these magical realms of make believe! Think of me as a modern-day wizard!

(child yells)

Sorry? I didn’t hear you.

(Inaudible)

No, not Voldemort, the other one.

(Various children yell)

Didn’t Voldemort have a good brother?

(Children shrieking NO!!)

Well, he should have, but whatever. Fine, then. I am like Voldemort–a powerful, powerful, often misunderstood wizard who can conjure great worlds and then shrink them into books like A VAN FULL OF GIRLS, which can be bought online at Indigo Books, and is such a powerful spell that it might just save your life! You should pester your parents until they buy you several copies—remember, your happiness, the entire course of your future depends on you getting this one thing right. Get your parents to buy you A VAN FULL OF GIRLS, and get them to do it now before it’s too late. Tell them it’s for a class or something, it doesn’t matter.

Class of 2016, congratulations, and may you all travel in A VAN FULL OF GIRLS!

Thank you all, and God bless.