Conference Call

Last week I was part of a Skype conference call between four people. It was a tutorial for the three of us who were just starting out on a new project, and although we could hear one another’s voices we could not see one another.

Team Leader: Okay, I guess we’ll just wait another five minutes to see if Noor shows up, but if not we’ll just start without her.

(AWKWARD SILENCE)

Me: Well, I think it might be a nice way to kill the time if we each told one another a little bit about ourselves.

Team Leader: This isn’t required so nobody has to participate.

Me: My name is Michael Murray, I stand nearly six feet four inches tall and live in Toronto with my wife and our Miniature Dachshund. When I was a boy Iron Fist was my favourite superhero. He could summon and focus his chi into one amazing punch and was teemed with the super awesome Luke Cage, who was known not to take any jive.

Person #1: My name is Cindy and I live in Ottawa.

Person #2: Tom, in London.

Person #3: My name is Beth and I live in Kingston where I’m a student, and I guess I my favourite superhero would be Lara Croft.

Me: She’s not a superhero. She’s a video game character.

Person #3: Oh, I didn’t realize that Iron Fist was a real person. I’m surprised I haven’t heard more about him.

Team Leader: Hopefully Noor will be here very soon. We’ll just give her two more minutes and then we’ll get into the material.

Me: Team Leader, is there any sort of dress code we have to abide by when we’re doing our work?

Team Leader: Well, as you’ll be working from home, of course not.

Me: Great, because it’s a straight up fact that I do my best work when I’m not wearing a shirt.

Person #1: Gross.

Team Leader: Michael, we don’t need to know that. You’re over-sharing and making us all a little bit uncomfortable.

Person #1: Look, I’m not a difficult person, but I think this is sexual harassment.

Me: I think you hear what you want to hear, Cindy.

Person #1: What does that mean?

Me: You sound like somebody who maybe wants to get sexually harassed, you know?

Team Leader: Okay Michael, you are way out of bounds here and if you don’t apologize immediately and stop this conduct, you will be terminated from the project.

Me: Our Dear Leader makes a persuasive argument. Cindy, I am very sorry, I was just making stuff up and trying to be funny, lighten things up a bit while we waited, but I see that I was creepy and inappropriate, and I am really, truly sorry for that.

Person #1: Fine, but I still feel like I need a shower.

Person #2: I think we all do.

Noor: Hello! Sorry I’m late, did I miss anything?

Me: We were just talking about taking a group shower.

Team Leader: Michael, you’re fired.