My Mother’s Open Letter to Miley Cyrus

My mother is 75 years old and sternly disapproves of Miley Cyrus, and after being told of the online battle between her and Sinead O’Connor, my mother got even angrier and decided to write an Open Letter of her own to Miley.

Dear Ms. Cyrus:

Hello, how is the weather? The weather in Ottawa has been a mixed bag. It’s just been so unpredictable this year!  The leaves have started to turn in the Gatineau hills and it’s as beautiful as always. If you’re ever in Ottawa for one of your concerts you should take the time to have a look because it’s really very pretty.

But it’s not the weather that’s making me write this letter, I’m writing to let you know just how much I disapprove of your behaviour. You’re a very bad role model! I know it must feel “cool” or “off the hoof” to be acting out in such a way, but it’s not!! You should listen to what older ladies, and that Irish man, have to say to you because they’ve been through it and you haven’t! Not listening is elder abuse, you know.

When I hear about you shaking your bottom at the camera all I can think of is how you must be hurting your parent’s achy-breaky hearts. Is that the sort of daughter you want to be, the sort of daughter who sticks a knife in the heart of her mother and father by acting the harlot? Don’t you know that if you give the milk away for free nobody will buy the cow? Do you have an education to fall back on? What if this “Twerping” career doesn’t work out and nobody wants to buy your LP’s, what then? What if you get sick???

I was a nurse for 40 years Miley, and I learned a thing or two. One of which is that walking around with your tongue hanging out all the time is not just VERY unflattering, but it’s also VERY unhygienic. Have you ever seen cancer of the tongue? Have you?

It’s not very “sexy” let me tell you, and you can get it if you keep a dirty tongue. You can’t be licking sledgehammers! There are all sorts of germs on them! You need to gargle with salt water and baking soda at least twice a day, and you need to keep your tongue in your mouth! It’s what you sing with, Miley, and you, who hasn’t bothered to get an education, cannot afford to get tongue cancer, lose your career and then be husbandless– because you gave all the milk away when you were young– and force your parents to look after you for the rest of your life! They’re not made of money, you know!

Anyway, it’s time for me to feed Frito, so I should go. I hope it’s a nice day in L.A. and that you’re able to turn your life around so that you’re not so hurtful to your parents. They gave you your life, you know.

Sincerely,

Barb Murray