Lamp

The other day while taking our Miniature Dachshund Heidi for a walk, I came across a beautiful lamp that somebody had left out by the side of the street.

As Rachelle’s birthday is coming up, I thought I’d pick it up, refurbish it in my unique way (I like to paint primitive cowboys on things), and give it to her as a present.

At any rate, I figured the lamp would be safe until we were making our way back from the walk, but as we returned I noticed that some shady guy had picked it up and was looking at it.

Me: Hey, that’s my lamp!

Scavenger: I don’t think so.

Me: Heidi, attack! (Dog does nothing)

Scavenger: Your dog does not obey you.

Me: What exactly is it you’re trying to say by that?

Scavenger: Perhaps you are not the sort of man who commands respect?

Me: Perhaps I don’t want respect, okay?

Scavenger: Perhaps. Heidi, sit. (Dog sits) Good dog. (Now petting her on the head)

Me: Don’t touch my dog.

Scavenger: As you wish.

Me: I also wish for you to give me my lamp back.

Scavenger: It is not your lamp. It was left out with the garbage for anybody to take.

Me: Look, that lamp is a birthday gift for my wife. She’s going blind, you know, and this lamp, the symbolism of this lamp, is going to mean the world to her. It will keep her going.

Scavenger: It would be funny to play poker with you.

Me: Oh, why is that?

Scavenger: You are not a convincing liar. Your lip twitches when you are uncertain of yourself. I think that you dog sense’s that weakness, and that is why she doesn’t listen to you.

Me: I tell you, I do so much for her and she just doesn’t care. Drives me crazy.

Scavenger: Is it because you crave the love from her that you do not feel for yourself? First, you must love yourself before others can truly love you, and with animals, first you must respect yourself before they will respect you.

Me: You are an incredible buzz kill.

Scavenger: I am sorry, but it is God’s will that we are having this talk, and there is no lamp in this life that will ever be able to address your sadness.

He then put the lamp in his two-wheeled shopping cart, said something to the dog in a language I didn’t understand, and walked away.